dusting out the cobwebs

met a new colleague today, who turned out to be a blast from my 16-17 yr old past. a past i'd rather not remember really. it felt like being forced to drag out the cobwebs from that part of the attic you've been ignoring for ages, and bring confronted with dusting it out for good.

actually, i don't remember him at all. (quite frankly, i don't expect anyone from my past to recognise me) he approached me first, asked if i was from this particular jc in this particular year. i said yes, and we quickly struck up a conversation.

but no thanks to my lack of thought and big big mouth, i think some affinity got destroyed. no, i didn't reduce the man's sense of dress or style (which i thot was fine btw). my downfall came when he asked if i hung out with a particular group of girls then. i said well not really, because the group politics got quite unpleasant, and i indicated i didn't like them one bit. too complicated, i said. it brought to mind a past of painful rejection, a past which i'd rather forget.

i now regret my hasty statement - i think i spoke too quickly. i didn't consider that maybe the man might be a friend (or i'm guessing at least aquaintance) of theirs. worse, maybe one of their boyfriends/husbands. *GULP*

oh well, what's done's is done yah??? me and my big and careless mouth. again.

peer pressure made up the absolute worst parts of my otherwise enjoyable jc life. actually, make that most of my primary and secondary school life. the notion that i was never good enough to be part of groups whose company i thot i'd enjoy, crept up insiduously and ate me up bit by bit.

this group of jc girls, especially, brought my feelings of being left out to a new peak. i used to watch a girl friend of mine pander excessively to them, coz she wanted their acceptance so badly. even then, she wasn't exactly included, if you ask me. i remembered resenting her for it. she's smart, talented, articulate in her own right. why stoop so low, i thought to myself, for so little returns.

but all that's in the past now, water under the bridge. its been more than 10 yrs since, and i've finally come to love and accept me for who i am, and just be secure in that. its a relief, yet i wished it didn't take me half as long to get here. but like it or not, that's my journey, and its made me who i am today. actually, not bad, i'd say. not bad at all. =)