Its hard for me to say, and it might be even harder for you to stomach. But I've decided to say it anyway, after thinking hard, talking to various ones who've offered excellent counsel, and seeking the Lord for His wisdom on the matter. Its bugged me for quite a while now and I thought at some stage I can sweep it under the carpet and forget it altogether, but I realise I do want to make peace and want to find some kind of resolution. And perhaps restoration of friendships, if that's possible.
I've thought about it long and hard before writing this - this is an open letter to all the people I've hurt in the last 2 years, through my lack of tact / consideration for your needs, and as a direct result of the circumstances of my life then. This isn't directed at my closest friends (you know who you are and thank you for loving me despite the bitch Ive been), but that group that borders between acquaintances and friends - you know we see each other enough just by hanging out together, but our friendship's never gone all that much deeper.
I'll explain.
As some of you know, I've been through a tough time in both my work and personal life in the last 2 years. In particular work, coz I face it everyday, and I know I return with gripes aplenty EVERYDAY. I hated the way I was treated, and instead of finding a way to deal with it, I let it eat into me and take away whatever joy I had in my life. Those 2 years were a HUGE struggle, and even up till today, I'm still learning to deal with the cynicism and the bitterness that's built up in my soul. Forgiveness is terribly hard work.
And I know as a result of what I was going through, I've taken it out on some of you. Rather unintentionally, but at that point, I assumed that as friends, I could "unload" my work gripes on you, without realising that in the process, I sounded like I had very little positive things to say abt life at all. Always grumpy, angry, negative, bitter and inconsiderate. And for all the times you've had to put up with that, I seek your forgiveness - You didn't deserve that, and you still don't. Nobody wants to hang out with Ms Grumps-All-The-Time. And I'm sorry I've been such horrible company, even toxic to your own spirit/joy. I can understand why you'd rather not have me around most of the time.
And I appreciate that despite that, sometimes, you still constantly choose to have me around as part o the group. You didn't need to, but you chose to and I really do appreciate that. It was at a time of my life when breaking up with Tim was so painful, coz it felt as if life had come to a rude halt. Suddenly, no more plans, no more future, complete standstill. And the hanging out, even if its mindless superficial talk, helped ease the pain and helped me focus on other things other than the pain. I needed that, at that point in my life, to just not remember.
All this while, because of just your mere and constant presence in my life, I thought of you as friends. Even perhaps good friends at some stage. Then I found out what you've said about me, how you've talked about me among yourselves, and the letters you've sent about me to others, the disappointment you've expressed. When I found out, I felt hurt, betrayed, alone, stupid and worthless. Did I deserve such judgement?? I suddenly am not sure who you are in my life anymore - friends? or foe? They say talking about other people have a way of getting back to a person's ears. How true.
I thought about it long and hard about this - I want you to know that I forgive you. As much as I ask you to forgive me for my earlier actions, because I know you didn't mean to hurt me, you too were reacting out of the pain that's been unfairly inflicted on you.
I don't know if I can trust you as friends again at this point, but if you're willing, I think we can work towards it in the long run. I only have one request - whenever I'm an ass in the future, pls tell that to me in my face and gently. I'd rather you do that than behind my back.
So, here I am, an open book in front of you. If this offends you and you want to throw us away, I'd respect that. But if you want to work towards being friends again, I'd be willing to try.
And if you know someone else who'd been in the group I've referred to, and would want to read this, do feel free to pass on this link.
To my friends who've chosen to stand by me through the fire, held my hand, and refused to judge me for my actions, allowing me to learn on my own - thank you for loving and caring for me enough to do that, and for gently pointing the way forward. =)
Went for a good friend's wedding last night. Think this should be the last in the group of friends for a while to come - thankful that my pocket can finally take a break for a while.... *phew*
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